With the title of this post and the last, people might be worried this site is going all Sesame Street themed, but no, just a coincidence. No-one would ever call me conservative with a lower-case c...
A selection of the shit I've written thus far...
The Man Who Was Just Looking For The PlayStation
I Saw Five Nipples On The Tube Today
The Last Date I Never Had
The Ironman Tequila Shot
The Tramp On The Train
How I Lost My Vodka
Meanwhile, Back On Match.com
The Online Dating Game, Part III
Welcome to Birmingham
The Capital C Word
Sitting On Your Arse Playing PlayStation All Day?
Sadly, I can’t tell many of my stories from work, because either a) you had to be there, b) you wouldn’t know the people or the backstory, or c) they are commercially sensitive. And...
My True Colours
“Whit’s yer favourite colour wee man?” It’s a strange question to be asked in a dank seedy underpass. Maybe when I answered, the other young chap urinating against the wall...
The Date With The Mummy
I was seeing this girl and it was getting serious, we’d been on quite a lot of dates but there was a problem, she kept vomiting. To begin with it was quite cute because I knew that no matter if...
An Experiment In User-Generated Content
It’s 3 o’clock in the fucking morning and I’m partway through 6 new McCannecdotes – have you any idea how long it takes to search the internet for funny stories and then...
The Black Woman Who Thought She Was White (And Was Racist. And...
We were on our annual team afternoon out, and there was much for my small (but disproportionately talented and influential) department to celebrate. The birthdays of every team member for example...
Four Play
This story is just a prelude to a bigger anecdote I am writing which will take about an hour to read and have a spectacular climax. Someone asked me recently if I was a theatre buff. Nice to have an...
The Donkey Slap, The Millionnairess & The Rentboy
They say “the best things in life are free” right? Which is great because I have no money because I spend it all on shit, and trust me the shit things in life are expensive. But they also...
The Internet Dumbfuck Virus
As the internet began to be widely used, but was still relatively new, people began to realise fairly quickly that it could be used for mischief. I’m sure we all remember the chain letters that...
The Passion Of The Christs
“Excuse me,” she said, her angular, Billie-Piper-esque gob thoroughly filled with sandwich as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for a quick survey about religion?” “No...
The Online Dating Game, Part I
I signed up for an online dating site last year, with no real intention of actually meeting any “internet women” but out of curiosity about the whole thing and because a couple of people...
So I Stole A Random Woman’s Handbag…
Yeah so like the title said, yesterday, I stole a woman’s handbag. She was walking along the street where I work; well, I say walking, she was wearing high heels clearly far higher than she had...
Online Dating Is For Freaks…
…Or rather, that’s who it’s supposed to be for. That’s who it was always meant to be for. Online dating was invented for those who struggled to meet people in real life...
The Coming Out & The Punchbag
My first flatmates in London were a gay couple, I’d moved here to London with them. We’d all been friends working at the same company in Birmingham, and neither of them had come out yet...
What The Germans Did For Us – #1 Comedy Names
I find the English animosity towards the German people bizarre, since they go to extraordinary lengths to amuse us – even branding themselves for a lifetime with names which bring a snigger to...
Brace Yourself
This anecdote cost me £415 so it better be fucking worth it. I took the day off on Thursday for two things I intensely dislike, the dentist and the barber. With the dentist it’s not so much me...
Times I Have Been Punched
Thankfully, this is not part one of a series, but still this post is longer than I’d like. Getting punched has always taken me by surprise. Whereas in a fight, I’d be ready and aware that...
Dissecting The Bird In The Salad
This didn’t happen to me, I read it in the news. Please calm your outrage, no I am not going to start simply reviewing common or garden news stories on this site (unless people really want me...
Tube Map Picture Quiz
Really bored? And yet also bored of all the content on this site? Have you literally read everything, or aren’t in the slightest bit interested in my ramblings but ended up here by mistake...
The Checkout Girl – Part II
PREVIOUSLY IN “THE CHECKOUT GIRL” ANECDOTE: I fancied the big-nosed Polish girl from Sainsbury’s, bought t-shirt to impress her, went shopping, bought a tonne of crap, she...
In The Dreamtime
So I was out last night and managed to pick up this extremely hot girl in the bar, whose only intention seemed to be to take home the first person who chatted her up. We went back to her place...
The Swedophile Ring
With the Eurovision Song Contest taking place in Malmo, Sweden this year, I’m already well-prepared in advance for the festivities, with a Swedish flag and a Swedish sash with Sweden written on...
The Online Dating Game, Part II
A couple of weeks ago, I sent some of my online dating questionnaire to one my female friends, to see what she thought. She responded with just this mocking quote: “I found this really cute...
The Date Of The Dead
I have mentioned before my annoyance with the sameyness of online dating profiles. Every girl out there seems to be the same skiing, mountain-climbing, horse-riding booklover who likes travelling and...
The Internet Dumbfuck Virus II
I write this from my bunker deep underneath the streets of Tooting. The Internet Dumbfuck Virus has been spreading and me and my loved ones have taken shelter (by loved ones I mean cat, Lara Croft...
The Fishy Paypacket
I’ve had a varied career; games marketing, music management, publishing, web design, icing doughnuts, labouring, gutting fish. I guess for some reason I don’t really talk about the last...
