Category - New

The Case of Mistaken Identity

This story is set in Rome. I’m saying this upfront because most of my stories take place in Tooting, Gravesend or Birmingham, and I feel this is an exotic touch which will engage readers...

The Academic Works Of McCann

People who have become accustomed to reading stories on this site about incontinent vomiting Polish girls and bitch-fighting Thai lesbians (the early days) or anecdotes about me house-hunting or my...

The Frosty Reception

So I ended my last house move story with a cliffhanger, and then in the meantime I wrote a totally different post about something else (noodles and an incinerated crotch). I’m aware this is not...

The Cursed Noodles

I was awoken yesterday by a WhatsApp from my neighbour, telling me he was going to the Chinese supermarket (he is Chinese) and then to the Korean supermarket and Vietnamese supermarkets (he is...

The Supermarket Swipe, Part II

Whether I arrived at work at 9am or 10am largely depended on the morning Sainsbury’s smoking run. Most mornings I’d be reminded of the bank job from The Young Ones where Neil complains...

The Supermarket Swipe, Part I

This story is about mass riots, dating and porn stars and ends with a startling confession of a true crime. It has involved extensive use of the part of my brain that deals with obscure anecdotal...

The Wedding (Nearly Mine) Part III

Part II of the story raised a lot of questions from eager readers. “How much did the haircut cost?” “Did you get laid?” and “There’s only one more of these wedding...

The Wedding (Still Not Mine) Part II

Look at me in this picture. Look how perfect my 20-minute M&S suit looks, and it’s the right colour too. But where did I get my haircut? You’ll never guess, but luckily I have typed...

The Wedding (Not Mine) Part I

“So how old’s Laura now?” Dougie asks us. Dougie is a distant relative; we’re at the wedding reception of my sister Laura. “Twenty eight now,” my brother replies...

The Broken Back & The Expensive Butt

There’s a junction with a pedestrian crossing outside Tooting Broadway Underground Station that’s basically a death trap. So much so, that when my work team had a social event there one...

The South Korean Shenanigans, Part II

A recap of the story so far, as recorded by the Samsung customer service chatbot in its daily report. CUSTOMER REPORTS MALFUNCTION IN PREMIUM NETBALL OVEN. START STOPPED STARTING, WAVES WON’T...

The South Korean Shenanigans, Part I

First, a warning. this post is far more mundane than the Robert Ludlum-esque spy thriller title suggests. Oh it’s full of twists and turns sure, phone calls between strangers, masked men with...