Bambus used to be my drink of choice – it’s basically red wine and coke, and not as disgusting as you might think. As someone who never liked red wine, it was the perfect option in group...
A selection of the shit I've written thus far...
Things I Shouldn’t Have Said To Women
I’m well-known for my way with words with women, sadly not quite in the manner I’d hope for. If there’s something inappropriate to be said I have a habit of saying it and if...
The Checkout Girl – Part I
In a previous post I introduced my “Polish Girls Are The Best” t-shirt and the kind of shenanigans it got me into, but that wasn’t what it was originally destined for. I had it...
The Birthday Splash
As it is my birthday, and I am fairly suicidal at the prospect of being 35, I thought it might be good to reminisce about my best birthday ever. I’ve never been a birthdays person, in fact at...
The Last Date I Never Had
I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. That I would not have to be writing on my blog, satirising this most recent girl I was in touch with through online dating. It seemed like we might even...
The Secret Of Smokey Island
I am planning to quit smoking tomorrow, February 1st.; this will be the second time I’ve quit. I only started smoking in 2007 and stopped in early 2011, only to start again at the end of last...
The Naked Neighbour
A letter from a (now former) upstairs neighbour, pushed under our door, to explain the ‘commotion’ of the previous evening. This anecdote tells itself really; maybe this is the way...
What The Germans Did For Us – #1 Comedy Names
I find the English animosity towards the German people bizarre, since they go to extraordinary lengths to amuse us – even branding themselves for a lifetime with names which bring a snigger to...
The Underground Pie Fight
I snapped tonight. No, I’ve not been doing yoga again, this was on the commute home. If you’re a regular reader you will know this has been coming for some time, my journey to the Tube an...
The Aliens Up Above Us
The people upstairs have always been weird. I don’t mean the people who currently live upstairs have displayed consistently bizarre behaviour in the time I’ve known them. I mean the...
The Cash Machine Karma
I’m a big believer in Karma – the idea that your actions, good or bad, determine what’s coming to you. Of course, the fact that I am not a three-time multi-million-pound lottery...
The Ginger Man & The Strip Club
I had a long list of things to achieve before I was 30. The usual stuff, publish novel, win BAFTA, marry Ashley Judd. I compiled this list when I was 20, and ten years seemed like ample time to...
So I Stole A Random Woman’s Handbag…
Yeah so like the title said, yesterday, I stole a woman’s handbag. She was walking along the street where I work; well, I say walking, she was wearing high heels clearly far higher than she had...
The Darts Conundrum
It seems even this website itself isn’t immune to random happenings. I decided to take a look at my site’s stats to see how many reads I was getting on recent posts. One of the stats...
The Fishy Paypacket
I’ve had a varied career; games marketing, music management, publishing, web design, icing doughnuts, labouring, gutting fish. I guess for some reason I don’t really talk about the last...
My Bizarre Phobias
If you think you’ve got some weird phobias, have a read of this shit I have to put up with… Firstly a bit of context, I’ll get onto the bizarre stuff further down. I’m not...
The Hotel Sextape
Sorry to disappoint my female fanbase but I must point out that the sextape mentioned in my title does not involve me, at least not in front of the camera. This does however mean that the rest of...
The Problems With Having A Website
When I started this blog, I intended it as an efficient way to keep about 6 people up-to-date on the latest shenanigans in my life without having to tell them, call them or e-mail them individually...
The Girlfriend, The Spillage & The E-mail Chain
This is my ex. I know right. Hot. She was my actual girlfriend for an actual period of time. It was official and she fully agreed with being known as my girlfriend. She even referred to me as her...
Online Dating Is For Freaks…
…Or rather, that’s who it’s supposed to be for. That’s who it was always meant to be for. Online dating was invented for those who struggled to meet people in real life...
My True Colours
“Whit’s yer favourite colour wee man?” It’s a strange question to be asked in a dank seedy underpass. Maybe when I answered, the other young chap urinating against the wall...
The Penis, the Pint Glass and the Photocopier
In my defence of the classic tale you are about to read, I would say – not many aspiring comedy bloggers could squeeze three different cocks into a single anecdote. In fact, I would probably...
Why God Hates Free Newspapers
Tonight my journey from work to the Tube was not quite as eventful as last night’s but an interesting thing happened when I arrived at Oxford Circus station. Getting to the station is always a...
The Nudist, the Nutcase & the Earthquake
I recounted in my previous post how I found myself in Birmingham living and working. I had settled in the Moseley area, very leafy and green and popular with students, which meant that a lot of my...
The Internet Dumbfuck Virus II
I write this from my bunker deep underneath the streets of Tooting. The Internet Dumbfuck Virus has been spreading and me and my loved ones have taken shelter (by loved ones I mean cat, Lara Croft...
Tube Map Picture Quiz
Really bored? And yet also bored of all the content on this site? Have you literally read everything, or aren’t in the slightest bit interested in my ramblings but ended up here by mistake...
The Man Who Was Just Looking For The PlayStation
It was just before Christmas and I had a half day so left work about 2pm, and walked past the London Palladium on my way to the Tube and up Chugger Boulevard. Chugger Boulevard, aka Argyll Street, is...
The Eurovision Party
It’s customary to have an annual Eurovision party at my place, usually involving the same group of cultured friends who appreciate this annual music festival (and home to the greatest new...
Welcome to Birmingham
My first job was in Birmingham and I lived there for two and a half years between 2001 and 2003. It’s a misunderstood place, not quite the shithole everyone is led to believe, but it never gave...
The Checkout Girl – Part II
PREVIOUSLY IN “THE CHECKOUT GIRL” ANECDOTE: I fancied the big-nosed Polish girl from Sainsbury’s, bought t-shirt to impress her, went shopping, bought a tonne of crap, she...
The Black Woman Who Thought She Was White (And Was Racist. And...
We were on our annual team afternoon out, and there was much for my small (but disproportionately talented and influential) department to celebrate. The birthdays of every team member for example...
The Passion Of The Christs
“Excuse me,” she said, her angular, Billie-Piper-esque gob thoroughly filled with sandwich as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for a quick survey about religion?” “No...
The Ironman Tequila Shot
In my tequila days I was pretty much open to any tequila-based dare. I was at a leaving party and I was targeted by a tequila terrorist – a rather gnomish former colleague who dared me to do an...
The Internet Dumbfuck Virus
As the internet began to be widely used, but was still relatively new, people began to realise fairly quickly that it could be used for mischief. I’m sure we all remember the chain letters that...
The Bosnian Hoax
I was out in Soho celebrating a birthday party in our IT team. It was my second engagement of the night after a celebratory well-done-everyone project completion party, so I was nicely oiled by the...
Sitting On Your Arse Playing PlayStation All Day?
Sadly, I can’t tell many of my stories from work, because either a) you had to be there, b) you wouldn’t know the people or the backstory, or c) they are commercially sensitive. And...