When I made the above statement to a colleague last summer the response was not “How did that happen?” or even “Cool, what line were you on?”. Rather it was “But why not 4 nipples or 6?” Yes the most unusual thing about the opening above is seemingly that nipples (and therefore presumably breasts) come in pairs and can only be viewed as such. So much for individuality…

I was on the Tube (Northern Line then Victoria line if anyone fancies trying to replicate my luck in the summer months); I was running uncharacteristically punctually for work so it was busy. A girl was beside me with her hand stretched up to hold the railing on the roof of the carriage. Now normally were this act to expose some flesh it would usually be around the midriff. But not this time.

I was to become a benefactor of the The Flat-Chested Nipple Bonus. This is something common with, if not unique to, the lesser-endowed girls out there (of which I am generally a very big fan). Fact is, smaller girls can have a bit of a tendency to wear bras that are a little bigger than they need. This exposes them, quite literally, to the risk that in certain situations, their boobs will be as free to view as ITV2.

This particular girl with her open-buttoned blouse and her arm stretched up had a good inch and a half’s gap between her nipple and her bra, and from the angle I was at she might have well been shoving it in my face. I tried not to look, failing miserable for about 4 stops worth of travel. She was particularly cute and this was the first time I’d seen a real woman’s breast in some years.

We approached the station where I change and the two of us were standing with our backs against the doors which open at this station. I turned around. She turned around, and changed hands. Oh my days there’s the other one! The only way this could have been better is if coins had started flushing out from between her legs. Seeing one nipple was a wardrobe malfunction, this was institutional misconduct. Her entire underwear system was flawed. And my usually banal trip to work had been buoyed by a double-whammy of Flat-Chested Nipple Bonii.

Read the sign ladies.

Read the sign ladies.

But as I changed onto a new train, and wasn’t motivated to join the girl with the spacious bra a few carriages along (I’m not a pervert), I realised it was simplistic of me to think such a thing could only happen with flat-chested girls. I found myself next to an oriental girl, lucky if she was 5ft tall, with disproportionately large boobs. She too, somehow, managed to be in a bra which left her assets room to breath. And her height meant they were just there for anyone taller than 5ft 6 to stare down at. Not that I stared of course. As the train filled up at Victoria, she reoriented herself and number two became visible. I’d seen four nipples in as many Tube stops. If it was like this every day I’d never get to work I’d just ride the train all day.

We approached my stop, and as I crossed the carriage to get off, a tall skinny slip of a thing, with a bit of a hippy look to her, was bending down to pick up her handbag. Now this girl didn’t really look the type to wear a bra at all. High from all the unexpected nipple viewings I snatched a quick look as I hurried off the train. Yup, number 5, and maybe the best one of the morning.

Sadly I haven’t seen any more since so this must have just been my lucky day, but I’m always on the lookout for the Flat-Chested Nipple Bonus everytime I see a suitable girl on the train. Lessons: boys, small can mean easily accessible; girls, mind the gap…


Don't just sit there, say something, the silence is freaking me out!