So as I was googling my own name, I saw a suggested related search was “alan mccann music”. Now I knew to expect Alan McCann the sound engineer to pop up here, I’ll get on to him in a second, but I had a surprise in store with the reappearance of my original nemesis; .com-owning, internet-thing-doing Alan McCann.

A page on the website ReverbNation (, I assumed this was a playlist of some kind, but no, he’s singing these. That’s right, he’s a singer as well, trying to overshadow my acclaimed Eurovision and SingStar karaoke performances.

I thought that’s where the interest would end, but no.


He sings as well…

Amazing Grace wasn’t a surprise but I listened to some of the rest (I did this so you don’t have to, I’m like that). The description says they were recorded for his wife’s 20th anniversary. Sweet. Oh well, I’m not going to have a go at a guy for doing something nice no matter how cheesy it is…

But The Little Girl was an odd choice. Here’s a sample of the lyrics:

And the drinking and the fighting
just got worse every night
Behind their couch she’d be hiding
Oh what a sad little life
And like it always does, the bad just got worse
With every slap and every curse
Until her daddy in a drunk rage one night
Used a gun on her mom and then took his life

What a fucking romantic. That?! THAT SONG?! For your 20th Wedding Anniversary? Things must be baaaaad.

We’ve also got It’s Now Or Never, the Cornetto song. I really want to know the story of how this tribute album came to be recorded. Just the Way You Are. Burning Love – he likes his Elvis it seems as much as he likes his domestic violence. Right fuck that I’m not listening to the rest of these, but I might add all these recordings onto the McCannecdotes site as a sort of soundtrack one day. And don’t be fooled, it’s not just the half-dozen tracks you see in that screenshot, if you click “All Songs” he’s got about 20 of them on there. Honestly I don’t know where this man finds the fucking time.

I’ll lay off him when he explains this to me: Yes. That website is called git hub.

Anyway, sticking with music onto today’s other Alan McCanns…

Alan McCann #4 – the sound engineer who hangs out with my sweetheart

The discovery of this namesake brought not feelings of mockery, but jealousy.

He’s calls himself Doof, a good idea to have a nickname when there are so many other Alan McCanns out there. My colleagues have a nickname for me too to avoid similar confusion. They call me Alan McCunt.

Doof. It's the sound his face makes when an industrial-sized magnet is nearby.

Doof. It’s the sound his face makes when an industrial-sized magnet is nearby.

This guy is a sound engineer who has toured with Lost Prophets (I’m told they’re “famous”) and my favourite band in the entire world, Lacuna Coil.

Now, I’ve never heard any of their music, but I used to have a Lacuna Coil calendar on my desk at work – it came with a colleague’s copy of Kerrang (I’m told it’s “famous”). Inside were photos of one of the hottest girls I’d ever seen, Christina Scabbia:



I know, hot. This guy actually KNOWS her!

Yes please. All of them.

Yes please. All of them.

Bizarrely, my colleague from work also knows her. You’d think I’d be all set for a life of fun and questionable music with my darling Christina. I’ve got the name and the contacts. Better still, I’ve got the name and I wear contacts.

Doof’s online profile describes him as a “sound guy”. Is that regarding his profession or does it just mean he’s a nice lad?

He’s from Wolverhampton; perhaps an early contender to attend the annual Alan McCann meet-up events I’m planning. But only if he brings Christina. I could show him how I set up my 5.1 surround sound system to support my Sky HD box, which was not an easy task.

Moving from the highs of being an Alan McCann to the lows:

Alan McCann #5 – the dog rapist

OK dog rapist is a strong term but when I saw animal abuse that’s what I thought and I’ve already written the headline. It’s not easy to change these things on a website.



“Buddy Alan McCann” – such a friendly name – but what a cunt. Nothing really funny about keeping dogs starving and covered in shit, so I’ll leave it there.

Coming soon, Alan McCann the private investigator. Yes!

Don't just sit there, say something, the silence is freaking me out!