Author - Alan McCann

The Cursed Noodles

I was awoken yesterday by a WhatsApp from my neighbour, telling me he was going to the Chinese supermarket (he is Chinese) and then to the Korean supermarket and Vietnamese supermarkets (he is...

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The Furniture Fuckery

I’d taken the morning off to head to Gravesend to pick up my keys, and go see my new house for the first time since the initial viewing. I’d received advice from a lot of people that I...

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How I Bought A House, Part VI

I feel before we progress any further, a short course in Roman Numerals is required in case people start to get lost in the number of parts this story has evolved into. I delegate this course to my...

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How I Bought A House, Part V

Valentine’s Day was approaching, and this day is usually very eventful for me. Eventful in a card-writing and -posting type way, rarely eventful in a romantic dinner or lovemaking type way. But...

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How I Bought A House, Part IV

Where were we? Ah yes, Bromley. No, Strood. No no, Tooting! That’s it. Tooting with an air of impending dread. February 2019, with a mission to find and completely buy a house by June or face...

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How I Bought A House, Part III

What would happen is, we’d have a burst of house viewings, then get fed up, then take a break for a while (usually a year or year-and-a-half) then something would coax us out of house-hunting...

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How I Bought A House, Part II

We were well and truly in the midst of househunting. We’d been places, we’d seen places, we’d even visited the bank to sound them out on how much money they would be willing to give...

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How I Bought A House, Part I

The title is important here. This is not “How To Buy A House” – and if you’ve arrived here after a Google search on such a topic, then be immediately advised you will not find...

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The Supermarket Swipe, Part II

Whether I arrived at work at 9am or 10am largely depended on the morning Sainsbury’s smoking run. Most mornings I’d be reminded of the bank job from The Young Ones where Neil complains...

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The Supermarket Swipe, Part I

This story is about mass riots, dating and porn stars and ends with a startling confession of a true crime. It has involved extensive use of the part of my brain that deals with obscure anecdotal...

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The Wedding (Nearly Mine) Part III

Part II of the story raised a lot of questions from eager readers. “How much did the haircut cost?” “Did you get laid?” and “There’s only one more of these wedding...

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The Wedding (Still Not Mine) Part II

Look at me in this picture. Look how perfect my 20-minute M&S suit looks, and it’s the right colour too. But where did I get my haircut? You’ll never guess, but luckily I have typed...

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