The Internet Dumbfuck Virus II

I write this from my bunker deep underneath the streets of Tooting. The Internet Dumbfuck Virus has been spreading and me and my loved ones have taken shelter (by loved ones I mean cat, Lara Croft action figure and cuddly toys). I’ve seen an increase in the virus’ activity since my last post, perhaps I stirred the beast too much.

I still see posts on my Facebook of “Jamie Bulger’s killers” as they look now with pleas for me to share so that these people can be found and attacked. And the pictures must be real, because they were on the internet. It’s gotten to the stage where I am seriously thinking, the next time I see that photo I’m going to take it, photoshop in the faces of the people who posted it to me, and spread it round. Extreme, but people have to learn.

Have you ever noticed when you watch those old period dramas, everyone is very emotionless – there is no passion for example between a man and his wife, or a mother and son, very little public displays of affection, everyone is so reserved. This is because the only way for humans to express their feelings for one another is to share online a pretty picture with some text over the top of it in a handwriting style, telling people how much they mean to them – and back then, the internet had not been invented so these people had no way of letting others know how they felt.

My dearest Catherine, I have commissioned this painting to speak of my feelings in a way I can not, and must not, otherwise express, for would be uncouth. It depicts a field of flowers and upon it is inscribed “If I had my life to live again…next time I would find you sooner so that I could love you longer.” If you agree with my sentiment, Catherine, I want you to tell me you Like this oil painting, and then please take it and Share it amongst your friends and ask of them to Like it equally. The artist tells me that only 3% of wives will do this, will you be one of them Catherine. Will you?

Have you ever noticed how fuzzy and poor quality these pictures/text often are, it literally is as if they have been passed on and passed on, copied so much that they have become worn and illegible. If only sometimes it were the case that something could only be shared a limited number of times before it was so crumpled and ancient it couldn’t be read anymore.

Two things inspired this follow-up post. The first was bullying. Now I’m against bullying (and cancer) – the internet would have me believe not many people are. But I was fascinated by anti-bullying posts which emotionally bullied you into sharing them, by telling you you were a bad person if you didn’t, or that only a small amount of people have the courage to share it (WILL YOU BE ONE OF THEM?). These things are basically bullying anti-bullying images.

Basically, not entirely unlike this:

The second was an utterly terrifying visit to a local Police force’s Facebook page, where it appeared the biggest dumbfucks on the planet had congregated to post two extremes of messages. Either extraordinarily frivolous posts, or actually quite serious ones that should be reported by, you know, dialling 999.

Someone’s friend Susan had told her she’d seen someone in a van driving erratically the other day and hoped the police could “catch the guy”. That was actually the extent of the information. No description or number plate. No details, just “catch the guy before he causes an accident”. And it was even second-hand information! Why the fuck can’t Susan contact the police herself. Oh, maybe she doesn’t have a Facebook account and is therefore completely powerless to stop crime.

There was some buzz about suspicions of a paedophile in the area; countless people saw “men” walking around the streets. Not men walking round the streets with kids in their holdall. No, just men walking around. Something must be done. These paedophiles, aka random men, are everywhere. Someone posted to ask if there were any paedophiles near where she lived. I was shocked to find there were no paedophiles posting to ask if there was a way to find out if any registered fucking morons lived nearby.

And you know the Facebook photos of people committing crimes (e.g. abusing animals) that say “LIKE and SHARE and make sure these bastards get caught” (and which are usually from years and years ago) – they’re fucking everywhere. “Oh excuse me, local Police, I’ve sent you this picture someone shared on Facebook, so it can help you catch those guys” – really, that picture, blatantly in fucking America. In 2004. Thank you kind citizen.

“There’s a man in my garden…” was one. What is next, seriously, “I’m being raped right now, LIKE and SHARE if you want it to stop”. It’s utterly mind-numbing this shit; the pages aren’t even monitored outside working hours.

“Can u tell me why the police are going about my area? There going about at night and even walking about. This is every night.” Even walking about, serious. They’re rounding up dumbfucks with nothing better to do than contact the police to ask them why they’re patrolling the streets.

And my favourite, “hi could u let me know if the police allow school work experiance plz thanks”. How about some school experience first?

What’s even worse is, usually the police actually respond: