This post is about CLASS (why what C word did you think I meant?) Now I don’t really pay any attention to social class, I’ve always had a very broad range of friends with different means and different backgrounds and I’ve never judged anyone based on any kind of perceived status within society. But I saw this article on the BBC today about a major new survey on class which they conducted.
You can read it below, but remember to come back. I’m not finished. Right, so like most things on the BBC website these days, there is a test to see where we fit into this. These tests are great, they do them for all kinds of articles; how much of a difference the Budget makes, whether you’re drinking too much, how likely you are to be the next Raoul Moat, they’re fun.
I came in the second-bottom (of SEVEN) categories. Basically it seems because I don’t own my own house, I’m scum. I fit into the category of “people who don’t own property but know people who do through Facebook”. Now I already said I care not about social class and which class I am … but fuck off! Second-bottom?
I once shagged a millionairess! Does that count for nothing these days? A millionairess. There was a period of time in which me and her were physically conjoined; I’m sure during that time it could be argued half of her money was mine.
I have a fucking piano. That’s automatically middle class. I rarely go on holiday because I think holidays abroad are for working class people. When I come home from work I empty my pockets and throw anything less than a £1 coin into a shoebox in my wardrobe, highlighting an attitude towards money consistent with an eccentric billionaire. I may not own property but I’ve got a varied portfolio of internet domain names.
Come on, could I be any more middle class?
I did the test again, using my gross earnings rather than my net; I moved up a class. Oh, so that’s how it works, if I avoid paying tax suddenly I’m in a higher class. Actually that sounds about right.
Now, I care nothing as to which class I am perceived to be, as I think I maybe mentioned earlier… but I intend to write a strongly-worded letter to the BBC outlining the many major flaws in this piece of research. My rent is higher than many people’s mortgages, I should be higher up than them. In fact, I clearly have so much money that I’m paying someone else’s mortgage for them. Now that is affluence. And they say part of the measurement is cultural as well. What’s that Mr BBC man, you haven’t noticed my Yes, Minister DVDs yet or my chessboard because you’re too busy admiring the Audrey Hepburn print on my wall?
Hmmm, I’m beginning to think if I didn’t spend all my money buying things like pianos and chessboards I could have bought a house by now…
Here’s what we need to do, forget money and forget the stupid culture questions (who cares if someone “goes” to the opera, anyone can “go” to the opera, doesn’t mean you understand or enjoy it). So you’d have your workshy benefit scrounger (that term is not meant to mean all those on benefits, just the ones who take the piss); but in the same class, you’d have your pointless monied people who’ve only got anything in life because of their parents. Whether you get free money off the state, or your parents, same thing. Stick them in the same class, they have more in common than you’d think. You could have a class full of “sound” people who for some reason have never really achieved anything, and a class for “utter bellends” who’ve had inexplicable success. People who went to University and got a job in the field they studied, they could have their own elite group.
Personally, I think you should base the entire class system on how much of a cunt someone is. It would be known as The Cunt Ladder
Now I know I lured you into a false sense of security with the c-word being class but I do have a hardcore readership and if I don’t get the real c-word in here somewhere they’ll think I’ve sold out and turned into a pussy (which would be somewhat ironic). The Cunt Ladder would band society based on how much of a cunt a person is. Cunts rich and poor would populate the top, and for the first time ever in such a class scheme, you’d want to be as close to the bottom as possible. A simple survey with a points system, included with the census, would give – for the first time – a real indication of the strata in British society (fuck’s sake, I use words like “strata” how can I have been second-bottom in that BBC thing!? Not that I care about class…)
Sample questions could include:
- Are you a chav? (add 100 points, you might as well skip the rest)
- Do you get “there”, “their” and “they’re” mixed up (add 1 point if you do, add 3 points if you don’t care)
- Do you discuss your home improvement activities with your friends over dinner or drinks (add 1 point if you do it occasionally, add 3 points if you sometimes organise social events just so that you can discuss this)
- Do you look down on people who aren’t homeowners when in fact your parents gave you your deposit for yours (add 3 points)
- Have you ever been really outspoken on a political topic you knew nothing about (add 3 points)
- Do you buy organic food just to impress people (add 3 points)
- Do you buy organic food at all? (add 3 points)
- Do you sit on the train while a pregnant woman stands? (add 3 points)
- Do you sit on the train while a really fat person stands? (deduct 3 points)
- Have you ever picked up a guitar at a party or gathering and started playing despite the fact no-one fucking asked you to? (add 10 points)
- Have you ever derided religion as made-up nonsense that can’t be proven whilst championing scientific “facts” you can’t even begin to fully understand? (add 3 points)
- Do you vote for the BNP, Respect or the SNP? (add 3 points)
Obviously there would be hundreds of these questions, designed to fully measure all aspects of life. You would add up the points and you’d have your Non-cunt elite at the bottom, the Bit-of-a-cunt general masses, and then at the top, the true underclass, the Total cunt. People would aspire to be in the lowest class, so would resolve to make changes in their lives to move down as far as possible. I really think this idea has potential.
Right, let me get started with the proposal, “Dear BBC…”
PS – as I’ve posted this story in the afternoon (which is unusual for a midweek post), I want to reassure people that I had the day off today. I’m not the kind of cunt who gets paid to sit at work writing the word cunt on the internet all day.