Tooting

The Black Woman Who Thought She Was White (And Was Racist. And Had Tourette’s.)

September 22, 2013

We were on our annual team afternoon out, and there was much for my small (but disproportionately talented and influential) department to celebrate. The birthdays of every team member for example, since this day out was annual. Also, one colleague had recently passed her finance exams. And I was celebrating my 9 month one week and four day sobriety anniversary, which was reason enough for …

Continue reading

The Aliens Up Above Us

July 23, 2013

The people upstairs have always been weird. I don’t mean the people who currently live upstairs have displayed consistently bizarre behaviour in the time I’ve known them. I mean the people upstairs, whoever they were, in the whole ten years I’ve lived in this flat, have always been weird. With only a couple of exceptions. Me and my flatmate live in a ground-floor three-bedroom flat. The …

Continue reading

The Passion Of The Christs

June 15, 2013

“Excuse me,” she said, her angular, Billie-Piper-esque gob thoroughly filled with sandwich as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for a quick survey about religion?” “No sorry,” I said, gesturing to the overflowing Sainsbury’s bag in my hand, “I have to get home, I’m cooking my flatmate dinner.” HA HA HA HA HA HA WHAT A LIE. Fuck me I am good sometimes. “It’ll …

Continue reading

The Capital C Word

April 3, 2013

With the title of this post and the last, people might be worried this site is going all Sesame Street themed, but no, just a coincidence. No-one would ever call me conservative with a lower-case c, and if you thought I was you need to read the rest of the stories on this site. Politically though I’ve always been Conservative. It surprises me because people …

Continue reading

The Coming Out & The Punchbag

April 1, 2013

My first flatmates in London were a gay couple, I’d moved here to London with them. We’d all been friends working at the same company in Birmingham, and neither of them had come out yet. People had their suspicions about Thomas, but Laurent hid it fantastically well, behind the simplest of disguises. He was French. Whereas people were used to seeing British guys and making certain …

Continue reading

Who Is This Man?

March 10, 2013

On a lazy Sunday morning when I can’t be arsed to leave the house, it seems the anecdotes come to me instead… My sleep was regularly interrupted by many buzzings at the front door this morning. My flatmate Andrea sometimes has students round; she teaches German, so I assumed that’s what it was. Her students are mainly people who have recently engaged in a romantic relationship …

Continue reading

The Blue Shark & The Frisbee

February 10, 2013

Café Sol in Clapham was an old haunt of mine when I used to work in the area. In fact it was a Friday night mainstay for about a quarter of the company. A Tex-Mex restaurant by day and evening, the tables vanished as it got later and it became a lively and crowded late-night cheesy dancing hovel. Among Café Sol’s unique selling points was …

Continue reading

The Tooting Samaritan

February 2, 2013

It has been a particularly shitty 7 days so I am going to pull out a good deed McCannecdote™ to cheer everyone up, principally myself… So, it was a Thursday night, and I was heading home after a usual combination of work bar -> local pub shenanigans. I was quite merry and also very tired as it was approaching midnight. It had been a white …

Continue reading

The Naked Neighbour

January 29, 2013

A letter from a (now former) upstairs neighbour, pushed under our door, to explain the ‘commotion’ of the previous evening. This anecdote tells itself really; maybe this is the way forward. Points for typing it up – classy. Points off for the “last nights” punctuation error. I demanded an immediate apostrophe in writing. Lesson – if you’re prone to sleepwalking (and especially if you live …

Continue reading