Surreal Soho

The Five Card Trick

February 9, 2016

So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in my twenties, but chose not to deploy, which was my …

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Rules For Complimenting A Lady

June 25, 2014
I was dating a girl last year and I wrote a song about her vagina. Words and music. You could say it was a flower ballad. It did not go down well, which was a little ironic.

Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I soon learned that saying nice things to male friends was …

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The Cancer Charity

April 9, 2014

You may not know this but I actually run a small cancer charity in the Soho area. I stand outside round the corner from work and passers-by come up to me and ask me to donate cigarettes to them. It’s a noble endeavour, I receive no government funding; in fact quite the opposite. with the government taking about 80% from each pack of cigarettes I buy, …

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The Cash Machine Karma

April 8, 2014

I’m a big believer in Karma – the idea that your actions, good or bad, determine what’s coming to you. Of course, the fact that I am not a three-time multi-million-pound lottery winner suggests that over the years I have made some mistakes, insulted too many brutishly overweight ladies maybe or used the c-word far too liberally. Or it could simply be because I do not …

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The Wrong Kind Of Gym Body

June 25, 2013

Do I go to the gym? Well, thanks for asking. People rarely ask me that, I don’t know why. Even the staff of Fitness First round the corner from work never ask me, as they patrol the streets giving away free passes and enticing the ladies, gentlemen, circus freaks, tourists and the infirm of the Soho area into their gym. Never once have they thought that …

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The Ginger Man & The Strip Club

May 26, 2013

I had a long list of things to achieve before I was 30. The usual stuff, publish novel, win BAFTA, marry Ashley Judd. I compiled this list when I was 20, and ten years seemed like ample time to achieve all my lifelong dreams. I would then retire early, and lose half my fortune to Ashley in exchange for my new squeeze Milla Jovovich. Life …

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The Date Of The Dead

April 20, 2013

I have mentioned before my annoyance with the sameyness of online dating profiles. Every girl out there seems to be the same skiing, mountain-climbing, horse-riding booklover who likes travelling and spending time with her friends. I was looking for someone different. Preferably actually someone with no friends, who’d probably be the type I’d have a chance with. This Japanese girl, I’ll call her Yōko, stood …

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How I Got My PlayStation

March 17, 2013

So I’d left my job as the world’s most smartly dressed web designer as described in an earlier post, and intended to set up business for myself, tired of the thankless grind of corporate life and of the fact that despite doing it every day for two years, I still couldn’t tie a fucking tie properly first time. Or second or third. Every day I …

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Times I Have Been Punched

February 28, 2013

Thankfully, this is not part one of a series, but still this post is longer than I’d like. Getting punched has always taken me by surprise. Whereas in a fight, I’d be ready and aware that some punching towards my face might be on the agenda, I’ve never had the chance to prepare. Having lived and learned, these days I walk around in constant readiness, …

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Why God Hates Free Newspapers

February 15, 2013

Tonight my journey from work to the Tube was not quite as eventful as last night’s but an interesting thing happened when I arrived at Oxford Circus station. Getting to the station is always a suspenseful moment. Will the station even be open? Every other day around rush hour it gets closed because of overcrowding, so instead of people crowding the platforms and running the …

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So I Stole A Random Woman’s Handbag…

February 15, 2013

Yeah so like the title said, yesterday, I stole a woman’s handbag. She was walking along the street where I work; well, I say walking, she was wearing high heels clearly far higher than she had been trained to walk in. She was clamouring hurriedly along the street like a midget on stilts, or a drunk man who had trod on a nail, clearly unaware that …

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