The Five Card Trick

So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in […]

Rules For Complimenting A Lady

Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I […]

The Cash Machine Karma

I’m a big believer in Karma – the idea that your actions, good or bad, determine what’s coming to you. Of course, the fact that I am not a three-time multi-million-pound lottery winner suggests that over the years I have made some mistakes, insulted too many brutishly overweight ladies maybe or used the c-word far too […]

The Wrong Kind Of Gym Body

Do I go to the gym? Well, thanks for asking. People rarely ask me that, I don’t know why. Even the staff of Fitness First round the corner from work never ask me, as they patrol the streets giving away free passes and enticing the ladies, gentlemen, circus freaks, tourists and the infirm of the Soho […]

The Date Of The Dead

I have mentioned before my annoyance with the sameyness of online dating profiles. Every girl out there seems to be the same skiing, mountain-climbing, horse-riding booklover who likes travelling and spending time with her friends. I was looking for someone different. Preferably actually someone with no friends, who’d probably be the type I’d have a […]

The Donkey Slap, The Millionnairess & The Rentboy

They say “the best things in life are free” right? Which is great because I have no money because I spend it all on shit, and trust me the shit things in life are expensive. But they also say that “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. So either lunch is not one […]

Why God Hates Free Newspapers

Tonight my journey from work to the Tube was not quite as eventful as last night’s but an interesting thing happened when I arrived at Oxford Circus station. Getting to the station is always a suspenseful moment. Will the station even be open? Every other day around rush hour it gets closed because of overcrowding, […]

So I Stole A Random Woman’s Handbag…

Yeah so like the title said, yesterday, I stole a woman’s handbag. She was walking along the street where I work; well, I say walking, she was wearing high heels clearly far higher than she had been trained to walk in. She was clamouring hurriedly along the street like a midget on stilts, or a drunk […]