Proper Dating

The Five Card Trick

February 9, 2016

So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in my twenties, but chose not to deploy, which was my …

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The Condom Conundrum

October 20, 2013

Some things are supposed to be hard when comes to making love, buying condoms should not be one of them. In the 1980s and 90s long before I knew what condoms were, believing them to be some kind of street drug given how hush-hush people seemed about mentioning them, I remember the TV adverts which tried to reassure you that it was OK to buy …

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The Last Date I Never Had

April 22, 2013

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. That I would not have to be writing on my blog, satirising this most recent girl I was in touch with through online dating. It seemed like we might even progress past the first date into proper dating, and she would be immune from inclusion in my posts, except when we had had hilarious times together and …

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Four Play

April 21, 2013

This story is just a prelude to a bigger anecdote I am writing which will take about an hour to read and have a spectacular climax. Someone asked me recently if I was a theatre buff. Nice to have an anecdote involving the word “buff” that doesn’t have the words “in the” preceding it. I do enjoy the theatre but it’s one of a great …

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The Date Of The Dead

April 20, 2013

I have mentioned before my annoyance with the sameyness of online dating profiles. Every girl out there seems to be the same skiing, mountain-climbing, horse-riding booklover who likes travelling and spending time with her friends. I was looking for someone different. Preferably actually someone with no friends, who’d probably be the type I’d have a chance with. This Japanese girl, I’ll call her Yōko, stood …

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The Date With The Mummy

March 20, 2013

I was seeing this girl and it was getting serious, we’d been on quite a lot of dates but there was a problem, she kept vomiting. To begin with it was quite cute because I knew that no matter if I screwed up on the date or said the wrong thing or was inadvertently offensive, nothing I could do would be worse than her vomiting. …

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How I Got My PlayStation

March 17, 2013

So I’d left my job as the world’s most smartly dressed web designer as described in an earlier post, and intended to set up business for myself, tired of the thankless grind of corporate life and of the fact that despite doing it every day for two years, I still couldn’t tie a fucking tie properly first time. Or second or third. Every day I …

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The Girlfriend, The Spillage & The E-mail Chain

January 28, 2013

This is my ex. I know right. Hot. She was my actual girlfriend for an actual period of time. It was official and she fully agreed with being known as my girlfriend. She even referred to me as her boyfriend. We did girlfriend and boyfriend stuff. Like talking to each other, and going for drinks together and eating together and watching movies together and shagging …

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