The Five Card Trick

So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in […]

Rules For Complimenting A Lady

Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I […]

The Date With The Drug Dealer

So despite a few minor hiccups along the way, and against the odds, my first date with Alice was a success and she wanted to see me again. The argument we had about whether or not she wanted to date me again was consigned to our list of “hilarious” early-days anecdotes to tell people at […]

The Donkey Slap, The Millionnairess & The Rentboy

They say “the best things in life are free” right? Which is great because I have no money because I spend it all on shit, and trust me the shit things in life are expensive. But they also say that “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. So either lunch is not one […]