Relationships & Dating

The Five Card Trick

February 9, 2016

So last year I sent 5 Valentine’s cards. I know what you’re thinking. What a nice guy, sharing joy and flattery throughout the female population. Oh, you’re not thinking that at all? You’re thinking I’m a desperate freak? Not at all. If I were desperate I’d be using the targeted mass-mailing e-card system I developed in my twenties, but chose not to deploy, which was my …

Continue reading

Online Dating Is For Freaks…

June 1, 2015

…Or rather, that’s who it’s supposed to be for. That’s who it was always meant to be for. Online dating was invented for those who struggled to meet people in real life, weren’t shiny and good-looking and fashionable, lacked some inter-personal skills, didn’t go out to bars, in fact barely left the house and could only meet new people using the internet and computers. Basically people like me. …

Continue reading

Who Wants To Date A Bosnian

July 4, 2014

My dating videos have generally been pretty successful, this is the story of one that bucked the trend, and made the girl in question … well, run away quickly. There are some similarities here with The Last Date I Never Had in that despite making great progress in the e-mailing and phone chatting stakes, the girl had a remarkably swift change of heart at the …

Continue reading

Rules For Complimenting A Lady

June 25, 2014
I was dating a girl last year and I wrote a song about her vagina. Words and music. You could say it was a flower ballad. It did not go down well, which was a little ironic.

Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I soon learned that saying nice things to male friends was …

Continue reading

The Cash Machine Karma

April 8, 2014

I’m a big believer in Karma – the idea that your actions, good or bad, determine what’s coming to you. Of course, the fact that I am not a three-time multi-million-pound lottery winner suggests that over the years I have made some mistakes, insulted too many brutishly overweight ladies maybe or used the c-word far too liberally. Or it could simply be because I do not …

Continue reading

The Date With The Drug Dealer

January 6, 2014

So despite a few minor hiccups along the way, and against the odds, my first date with Alice was a success and she wanted to see me again. The argument we had about whether or not she wanted to date me again was consigned to our list of “hilarious” early-days anecdotes to tell people at our wedding. Never let it be said I think too …

Continue reading

Where No McCann Has Gone Before

January 3, 2014

You’re probably surprised to see another dating story given that a couple of months ago I posted this scathing rant about the women on I pretty much considered myself done with online dating when I wrote that, and shortly after tested out some of my theories about the shallow women of Match by Photoshopping my profile picture to see if I got more views …

Continue reading

The Condom Conundrum

October 20, 2013

Some things are supposed to be hard when comes to making love, buying condoms should not be one of them. In the 1980s and 90s long before I knew what condoms were, believing them to be some kind of street drug given how hush-hush people seemed about mentioning them, I remember the TV adverts which tried to reassure you that it was OK to buy …

Continue reading

The Birthday Splash

October 15, 2013

As it is my birthday, and I am fairly suicidal at the prospect of being 35, I thought it might be good to reminisce about my best birthday ever. I’ve never been a birthdays person, in fact at school I demonstrated I barely even understood the concept. I was in the final year of school and was making some flirty banter with one of the girls …

Continue reading

Meanwhile, Back On

October 13, 2013

So I wiped my profile in May or June, having completely had it with online dating for a while, and specifically with that website. I probably ranted about how I was never going back and “it’s enough to turn you gay” and other such things. I ended up going back, I always do. Partly because every time I go on there to cancel my …

Continue reading

The Last Date I Never Had

April 22, 2013

I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. That I would not have to be writing on my blog, satirising this most recent girl I was in touch with through online dating. It seemed like we might even progress past the first date into proper dating, and she would be immune from inclusion in my posts, except when we had had hilarious times together and …

Continue reading

Four Play

April 21, 2013

This story is just a prelude to a bigger anecdote I am writing which will take about an hour to read and have a spectacular climax. Someone asked me recently if I was a theatre buff. Nice to have an anecdote involving the word “buff” that doesn’t have the words “in the” preceding it. I do enjoy the theatre but it’s one of a great …

Continue reading