General McCannecdotes

Rules For Complimenting A Lady

June 25, 2014
I was dating a girl last year and I wrote a song about her vagina. Words and music. You could say it was a flower ballad. It did not go down well, which was a little ironic.

Women love compliments. FACT. Women hate compliments. Bizarrely, also FACT. The incompatibility of these two statements has vexed me since I first uttered the phrase “that’s a smashing blouse you have on” and was met with “why is this stalker talking to me?” I’m generally someone who likes to say nice things to people. I soon learned that saying nice things to male friends was …

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The Fishy Paypacket

April 15, 2014

I’ve had a varied career; games marketing, music management, publishing, web design, icing doughnuts, labouring, gutting fish. I guess for some reason I don’t really talk about the last few much, so I thought it was about time I took you on a little tour of my first working experiences. For school work experience I managed to get a week in Boots. Rather than spending …

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The Cancer Charity

April 9, 2014

You may not know this but I actually run a small cancer charity in the Soho area. I stand outside round the corner from work and passers-by come up to me and ask me to donate cigarettes to them. It’s a noble endeavour, I receive no government funding; in fact quite the opposite. with the government taking about 80% from each pack of cigarettes I buy, …

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Site Redesign Q&A

September 2, 2013

Oh here’s an anecdote for you, so what started out as a simple lick of paint for about a month ago, ended up being a total fucking nightmare of nothing working as it should and endless nights staring at code (and some porn). The result is a site that does pretty much everything the old site did, has some capital letters in places the …

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The Passion Of The Christs

June 15, 2013

“Excuse me,” she said, her angular, Billie-Piper-esque gob thoroughly filled with sandwich as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for a quick survey about religion?” “No sorry,” I said, gesturing to the overflowing Sainsbury’s bag in my hand, “I have to get home, I’m cooking my flatmate dinner.” HA HA HA HA HA HA WHAT A LIE. Fuck me I am good sometimes. “It’ll …

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The Capital C Word

April 3, 2013

With the title of this post and the last, people might be worried this site is going all Sesame Street themed, but no, just a coincidence. No-one would ever call me conservative with a lower-case c, and if you thought I was you need to read the rest of the stories on this site. Politically though I’ve always been Conservative. It surprises me because people …

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The C Word

April 3, 2013

This post is about CLASS (why what C word did you think I meant?) Now I don’t really pay any attention to social class, I’ve always had a very broad range of friends with different means and different backgrounds and I’ve never judged anyone based on any kind of perceived status within society. But I saw this article on the BBC today about a major …

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Operation Deepthroat

March 31, 2013
Let's face it, I hadn't had the anaesthetic, I hadn't cried when I got my injection, and I hadn't pissed myself. I'd already done pretty well with this girl today.

I’d been having some problems with the strength of my voice, it was croaky and would cut out sometimes. I’d tried all kinds of things to resolve it, but the only thing that seemed to do it was singing Belinda Carlisle on SingStar. I could sing karaoke just fine, but this was not a solution that would help me at work. “Hey Alan, how’s the …

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Brace Yourself

March 23, 2013

This anecdote cost me £415 so it better be fucking worth it. I took the day off on Thursday for two things I intensely dislike, the dentist and the barber. With the dentist it’s not so much me that has the problem with it, it’s my wallet. Actually that’s not true it’s both of us. I was “blessed” with not one but two hereditary/genetic conditions which …

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The Tramp On The Train

March 13, 2013

No, this is not a generic “tramp on public transport” story, this is far more freaky and evidence I lead a charmed or cursed life. Some years ago, I had booked a trip from London to Glasgow for a very infrequent trip home and for some personal business. I was involved with a band called The Complete Stone Roses, the definitive Stone Roses tribute band …

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Dissecting The Bird In The Salad

February 22, 2013

This didn’t happen to me, I read it in the news. Please calm your outrage, no I am not going to start simply reviewing common or garden news stories on this site (unless people really want me to, I’ve got no integrity really, it’s all about the page views), but I saw this and I felt it was an example of someone else’s anecdote which …

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My Bizarre Phobias

February 19, 2013

If you think you’ve got some weird phobias, have a read of this shit I have to put up with… Firstly a bit of context, I’ll get onto the bizarre stuff further down. I’m not naturally a very scaredy person although some situations or things will make anxious; I’m a little scared of heights for example but only so much as is healthy. I’m scared …

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