Drinking Mishaps

The Birthday Splash

October 15, 2013

As it is my birthday, and I am fairly suicidal at the prospect of being 35, I thought it might be good to reminisce about my best birthday ever. I’ve never been a birthdays person, in fact at school I demonstrated I barely even understood the concept. I was in the final year of school and was making some flirty banter with one of the girls …

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The Ginger Man & The Strip Club

May 26, 2013

I had a long list of things to achieve before I was 30. The usual stuff, publish novel, win BAFTA, marry Ashley Judd. I compiled this list when I was 20, and ten years seemed like ample time to achieve all my lifelong dreams. I would then retire early, and lose half my fortune to Ashley in exchange for my new squeeze Milla Jovovich. Life …

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How I Lost My Vodka

March 30, 2013

There are a lot of stories on this site that involve drinking, but to be honest it came as a shock to me how many actually don’t. When I first started writing this blog, I assumed it would mainly consist of an endless line of alcohol-related misadventures, but while some of my finest, or perhaps simply most bizarre, stories have involved heavy drinking and inebriated debauchery, the …

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In The Dreamtime

March 21, 2013

So I was out last night and managed to pick up this extremely hot girl in the bar, whose only intention seemed to be to take home the first person who chatted her up. We went back to her place, picking up my cat Whacky on the way there (I’m not sure whose idea that was). She lived in a house with 3 or 4 …

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Airport Insecurity

March 16, 2013

Me and airports don’t really get on. I think it stems from the notion of having to be there at a certain time (my timekeeping is legendary for all the wrong reasons) and also because there is such a grey area surrounding exactly how early you need to be. Do I really need to be there 2 hours before, can I get away with 1.5 …

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The Tramp On The Train

March 13, 2013

No, this is not a generic “tramp on public transport” story, this is far more freaky and evidence I lead a charmed or cursed life. Some years ago, I had booked a trip from London to Glasgow for a very infrequent trip home and for some personal business. I was involved with a band called The Complete Stone Roses, the definitive Stone Roses tribute band …

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Times I Have Been Punched

February 28, 2013

Thankfully, this is not part one of a series, but still this post is longer than I’d like. Getting punched has always taken me by surprise. Whereas in a fight, I’d be ready and aware that some punching towards my face might be on the agenda, I’ve never had the chance to prepare. Having lived and learned, these days I walk around in constant readiness, …

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The Blue Shark & The Frisbee

February 10, 2013

Café Sol in Clapham was an old haunt of mine when I used to work in the area. In fact it was a Friday night mainstay for about a quarter of the company. A Tex-Mex restaurant by day and evening, the tables vanished as it got later and it became a lively and crowded late-night cheesy dancing hovel. Among Café Sol’s unique selling points was …

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The Ironman Tequila Shot

February 4, 2013

In my tequila days I was pretty much open to any tequila-based dare. I was at a leaving party and I was targeted by a tequila terrorist – a rather gnomish former colleague who dared me to do an “Ironman Tequila”. Never heard of it. Apparently: 1) you snort the salt – it’s just like cheap cocaine right? 2) you drink the shot – the easy part, …

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The Piccadilly Croatian Crack Whore iPod Cry Rape Rip-Off

February 3, 2013

Soho is the creative beggary capital of Western Europe (as well as creative buggery, mind). Where other places just have pickpockets, muggers and teams of organised well-salaried gypsy begchildren, those in Soho wanting something for nothing spend months of planning in elaborate, increasingly believable scams to beg Soho’s poor buggering buggers out of their hard-earned cash. I’ve already written of the Chuggers, the sledgehammer of …

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